Lost the Center Again and Gradually Lost the Fast, But Regained Some Centeredness After Some Effort

I gradually lost my center when I started to focus on the idea that I had to build a hut in the field to meditate and take care of the animals in an easier way. The problem here was that I lost the surrendered state, the state of trust to life, after and during a series of minor events, and losing this state, I gradually spiraled into a seeking mode, searching for money bringing jobs online, and feeling dissatisfied with the search, then feeling unhappy, then finally focusing on online games and movies to drown this unhappiness.

I stopped this pattern to fulfill a promise. I gathered myself, and started focusing on the Spiritual Heart again. After 2 hours, with a walk in the open and meditative effort,  I had regained my center, and met with my young friends. My centeredness grew stronger throughout the night as we shared friendship and I took care to focus on the Spiritual Heart.

So.. this is an ongoing challenge.. as I focus on the Spiritual Heart, I can feel more and more unconditional love, but also, when I lose this focus, old patterns surface and kick in, and every time I learn something, and one more thing to let go of is revealed. But the method to let go of is always the same. Keep focusing on the gateway of Love and Light, the Spiritual Heart.

How I will continue fasting, the following days will show. I am not currently fully devoted to keeping my attention on the Spiritual Heart. Full devotion.. it would be so very good if I can achieve that.