Contemplation About a New Mode of Living

Here is what I shared with a friend today, I am also sharing this raw and unedited here:

[2:43:39 AM] Erdal Bora: i am at a dilemma.. just wanted to share ..
[2:43:47 AM] Erdal Bora: so that you can see the whole picture of me
[2:44:47 AM] Erdal Bora: now.. today.. i woke up meditated, fed the animals, exercised outside, meditated again, spoke with you.
[2:45:10 AM] Erdal Bora: in the morning i was writing the tasks of the day
[2:45:16 AM] Erdal Bora: what to do for today
[2:45:22 AM] Erdal Bora: there was 2 items
[2:45:25 AM] Erdal Bora: feed the animals
[2:45:30 AM] Erdal Bora: and focus on the spiritual heart
[2:45:48 AM] Erdal Bora: i fed the animals.. only focus on the spiritual heart remained
[2:45:58 AM] Erdal Bora: but the thing is..
[2:46:28 AM] Erdal Bora: there is nothing to do..
[2:47:11 AM] Erdal Bora: no career to pursue.. nothing to build, nothing to attach..
[2:47:22 AM] Erdal Bora: i ask myself.. how to serve?..
[2:47:43 AM] Erdal Bora: and the answer is the same.. just keep focusing on the love and stay as awareness
[2:47:56 AM] Erdal Bora: no defined way of living..
[2:48:37 AM] Erdal Bora: basically no future
[2:48:56 AM] Erdal Bora: why? because for future to exist, i must think abou tit
[2:48:58 AM] Erdal Bora: it
[2:49:53 AM] Erdal Bora: to think about it.. i need a foundation to start.. but ultimately there can be no foundation.. everything is impermanent..
[2:50:08 AM] Erdal Bora: so.. future disappears..
[2:50:13 AM] Erdal Bora: goals disappear
[2:50:34 AM] Erdal Bora: definition of what career to pursue.. disappears
[2:51:10 AM] Erdal Bora: now feed the animals.. next moment have a chat with you.. next moment.. just eat something.. next moment wash the clothes..
[2:52:40 AM] Erdal Bora: what will be lived.. can’t be captured in concepts.. who am i.. i am disappearing
[2:54:15 AM] Erdal Bora: the ego wants to define.. this path will give me happiness.. that path will give me happiness..
[2:54:37 AM] Erdal Bora: grasping at illusions..
[2:55:55 AM] Erdal Bora: when the moment comes.. when i see that there is nothing to do but i need just to be.. i feel anxiety.. nowhere to stand on..
[2:56:06 AM] Erdal Bora: living becomes a continous improvisation
[2:57:04 AM] Erdal Bora: like making an eternal music
[2:59:43 AM] Erdal Bora: i was trying to start life coaching.. but the dilemma was.. this state of being.. it is just a state of being.. it can’t be defined.. it can’t be given with words.. it can only be lived moment to moment. i was trying to capture this in articles.. to teach people
[3:02:08 AM] Erdal Bora: so either this.. or self tranquilization.. because.. nothing other than this gives true fulfillment.. and then i have to cover the anxiety with something
[3:04:11 AM] Erdal Bora: any escape can be temporary
[3:04:20 AM] Erdal Bora: can only be temporary
[3:04:36 AM] Erdal Bora: one can escape until physical death.. and get reborn again..
[3:04:51 AM] Erdal Bora: into the same illusions
[3:08:28 AM] Erdal Bora: now i can try to deceive myself, write another set of goals to work towards.. and start working towards them. but sooner or later i will realize.. they aren’t the ultimate.. they aren’t the source of my happiness.
[3:13:33 AM] Erdal Bora: i have this understanding.. i can express it in words.. i can contemplate on it.. so..
[3:15:09 AM] Erdal Bora: i can be the sculptor of my life in the present moment.. observing what is.. shaping it moment to moment to its next state.. eternally.
[3:16:01 AM] Erdal Bora: and gradually feel more and more one with everything.. as the illusion disappears
[3:27:21 AM] Erdal Bora: now i figured out why i was having so much difficulty in doing translation work.. or getting bored with many kinds of structured jobs. it feels childish or restrictive.. it is like an adult getting bored with simple child games..
[3:27:41 AM] Erdal Bora: i need to play a different game