Towards Enlightenment (7): The Ego Strikes Back… And Then…

13:27. On the way back from feeding the animals, I was also thinking. Let’s play the new version of X-Com when it comes out, or Mount&Blade Bannerlord when it comes out. Like, I’ll give it a month and then I’ll play it. I’ll progress for a month, then I’ll go into a temporary slump, I’ll share it and then everyone will see an example of a slump. Now I’m home and I’m starting to feel sick to my stomach. Let me focus on the Spiritual Heart again.

You are what you are. I will be as I am. I will approach what I am with love. Now that I am hungry, let me eat a green apple. Maybe some almonds. 13:32.

I ate one green apple, 20 almonds, 13 black olives and one medium peach. My hunger is pretty much gone but I still feel empty inside. I didn’t start today with a solid meditation. My father’s arrival disrupted my routine, so we had to go to the animals immediately, we couldn’t go yesterday, and the day before I had left only one day’s food, so I went out without deepening the meditation, or having a solid meditation to say. I always do that, but in this transitional period I’m in, I’m trying my best to make the meditative state as continuous as possible, I will try. If I don’t do that, I’ll give some light, like a flame, and then I’ll go back to the candlelight. 14:10. Saturday, July 18, 2015.

16:32. I started meditating and after a while I fell asleep. I also had a dream. In the dream I was punching a concrete wall. My fist was as hard as a hammer. It could have been some kind of national competition, I was there, but it was not a punching competition. When I woke up, there was a slight numbness in my right hand. In recent days, I have been trying my strength on the punching machines that I have seen sporadically and I have been observing that it has increased. I don’t do sports regularly, but when I feel like it, I do certain cultural physics/yoga movements 2-3 times a week. Sometimes I run when I go to the field. As my energy increases, so does my physical capacity. I feel that the energy in my body increases and intensifies. I feel that this dream is also related to this dream. Only now I really want to do a deep and long meditation and continue writing. Also, I just thought of Pai Mei in Kill Bill and the heroine in training. I forgot her name 🙂 There she was trying to master punching a hard board. Pai Mei said something like let the wood be afraid of you and don’t be afraid of the wood and she punched a thick board with her fist. But power is given to those who use it responsibly. So maybe now I have to be very responsible in what I write, should I put all my experience in it? Because of the sensitivity of that question, I have to meditate for a long time to keep my intention very clear. 16:38.

17:54. I have completed the meditation. I feel healthy, vigorous, mentally calm, awake and centered. After this article, my writing frequency may decrease. I hope my writing so far has given you an idea or inspiration of what is possible. I think I am at one of the closest moments in my life to feeling whole. Love to you. 17:58 July 18, 2015.

What am I going to do next. I’m going to go to the beach soon and walk and try to maintain my centering. I’m going to do some sports. Maybe I’ll hit one of those punching machines. Energy test 🙂 . Maybe I won’t. I already feel it because I feel the energy building up inside me, do I need a test? 18:01 July 18, 2015.

And this is the photo I just took: 18:16. 🙂

Footnote: After I went out, I had a conversation with my father and a friend I met about life. I’m slowly starting to lose my center… But now I’m going to meditate until I fall asleep and make an effort to get centered again. I had about 100 grams of goat cheese, a Mediterranean salad, 1 plain soda and 2 apple sodas. Life offered me these beauties this evening and I chose to accept them. My head is kind of calm but there is a slight feeling of fullness, but it’s slight.

What do I do next? I have a very good energy, I know how to capture it, and the ego’s desires come and go. If I go forward life will open up, if I just focus on the ego it will be delayed but inevitably my life wants to open up and is calling me. 23:47 July 18, 2015.

00:53 I spent some time on Facebook, watched some videos, commented, looked at the stats on the blog, ate a green apple. I’m going to go into a contemplative mode again if this continues. Staying awake, maintaining the meditative state is a constant labor. You start reaping the rewards immediately, things start to get better and better, troubles start to disappear in your life, but it takes work. Because when you start immersing, your energy starts feeding the world of contemplation, the world of imagination. Choices… we are making every moment… how will my life be shaped from now on? How am I going to affect people, how am I going to affect the world? Responsibility… The wider you take it, the more it has a developmental effect, because we actually have the potential to feel responsible for the whole world, the whole universe. But if you confine yourself to a narrow personality and see yourself as responsible for the whole world… who knows what kind of suffering that can lead to… what I’m saying is to transcend the ego and really integrate with the universal consciousness… that’s a path of expanding experiences… I’m tired. Time to close. Good night. 1:00